Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
And then my night got REAL pukey
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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