new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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