We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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