wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Sober January is a disaster.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
