I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
This baby is an asshole
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
