I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
