Ambien. No doubt about it.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
