my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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