I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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