my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You ruined the universe
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
