I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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