Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize