Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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