I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
