The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
