I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
