I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
In other news, I just burned my penis
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
