Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
