i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
