When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
