I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
