Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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