You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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