dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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