she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
