I wish I could punch you in the face.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
