Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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