I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
