3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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