needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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