Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
