just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
His hands were made for my vagina.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
