This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
