Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
