Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
