Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize