Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
