it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
