I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
