he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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