My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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