Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
