Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
