There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
