I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
