Just fell off a train. Bad.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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