i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize