I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just pynch a tree in the face
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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