put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's blow job season.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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