And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
