My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Actions speak louder than pants.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize