Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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