who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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