God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize