Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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