I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
