Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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