its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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