I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
