In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
