I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
