my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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