I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
