I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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