So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
