i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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