Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
