just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
