So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
