If i come over, it means nothing
i was born a porn star she said
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
